I recently stumbled upon an article on this here internet about a woman’s experience of dating black women. The author wrote about her experiences of having negative interactions with black women and never dating an African-American woman. She talks about how negative black women are, that they are hard to find, often masculine of center in their presentation and uninterested in her. She also goes on to say that “she is everything black women appear to hate”, light-skinned with long hair, intelligent and quiet. However, she does state that she loves black women but they make it hard to love them, romantically or as friends.
At first, I thought it was satire and convinced myself that the piece might have even been written by a black cisgender straight man, but the more I read, the more I released that the author was being dead ass serious. There was tons of internalised self-hate and misogynoir and that made me feel bad for her.
I have only had one relationship experience with a white woman. I was 20 years old and at that stage of my life, I wanted to see people for who they were and not judge them by the colour of their skin. The experience slightly put me off getting into a relationship with another white woman. Fast forward 15 years and I have been in a loving and supportive relationship with a black woman, for the last 10 years.
During the 5 year period before I met my soul mate, I only dated black women, maybe accidentally on purpose. I would only go to clubs or house parties where black people were in the majority. So my interactions with white lesbians were few and far between. If I did end up at dreadful club in Soho, (where the music made me want to poke my eyes out with 6 inch nails) and saw a cute white girl (a rare occasion) she would act as if I was invisible, but to be fair, my black girl invisibility cloak game is strong. I found that I only ever really spoke to white lesbians during one of three interactions:
- Ash from their cigarette would drop on my hand and they would apologise (I was not always granted an apology)
2. They were stupidly drunk
3. They wanted to touch my hair while they were stupidly drunk
In other words, I never had another white girlfriend and that was fine by me. I had three “serious” (they felt serious at the time) relationships with black women and I found a common denominator in each of those relationships, which was, the beauty of blackness. Each of those relationships ended for different reasons but it did not put me off dating black women and it definitely did not make me bitter towards them.
Whenever I have come into contact with a black woman who my spirit does not take to, I do not decide that I would never speak to another black woman ever again. Black women are constantly judged unfairly by negative stereotypes. Stop treating us like we are a monolith. Everyone’s unique life experiences shape who they are and how they move through the world. Women of different races are afforded the privilege of being multifaceted human beings with different personality traits. Why can’t black women get the same respect?
There is something revolutionary about black love especially if you are LGBT+. I am not putting down people who choose to date outside of their race. The world is full of hate so you should feel lucky to find true love. When you’re explaining your reasons for dating white women or non-black women of colour don’t list all the things that you think are wrong with black women.
Being with another black woman has empowered me in countless ways and I feel incredibly lucky to have a soul mate that supports and loves me and just so happens to have the same beautiful black skin as me.