Realising I Was Gay- Part Two

Read Part 1


So, I’m about 16 now and starting college. ProfilePic had me hooked – switching between that and MySpace was what my evenings consisted of for the majority of the summer holidays. Scrolling through all of these weird and wonderful profiles of people that may not necessarily have been real but looked sort of interesting.

There were guys who liked girls, guys who liked guys, girls who liked guys and girls who liked girls. Openly. Well this was new. This place definitely had me interested. This completely bizarre, online haven for all things weird and wonderful. In today’s age with the sheer enormity of the internet, this may not seem like much. But for someone who grew up only getting MSN at the age of 15 and dodging between Piczo accounts that people made declaring their loyalty for the “mandem” and “galdem” from the “endz” was all I had until then – this place seemed free.

A world away from the falsities of high school “loyalties”, this place was somewhere people didn’t really seem to care much about what others thought. These profiles had some serious “This is me. I want this. Give me it” about it. So here it started. I created a profile, tried to put up my most flattering picture and waited to see what happened. I’m not sure what I expected but it didn’t take long before I met that person that literally took my breath away and introduced me to a completely crazy, emotionally exhausting, liquor filled world in which I remained in for the next few years. I’ll call her D.

So I was completely transfixed by this website. I would come across some pretty beautiful ladies and I’d get this funny feeling in my body. A flutter maybe. Desire? I wasn’t quite sure, it was strange. Sure there were some pretty good looking guys on there too but they just weren’t doing it for me. It soon became obvious to me that I was looking for someone. The missing link that had escaped me for so long was a ‘someone’ not a thing. It didn’t take long before I accepted realised that person was a woman.

Literally, it was like a lightbulb moment. I’d spent so long throughout school believing I was straight that the possibility that I might have been anything other than that just didn’t fit. I don’t think it ever crossed my mind. Girls did sure. A lot of girls. But for some strange reason I never really put two and two together. I was so hell bent on fitting in with what was around me. It was a desperation that blinded me. Made me completely miss the point of those thoughts I was getting. I simply did not connect the dots. It was never about acceptance for me. I had an amazing mother who was pretty much liberal about everything so luckily I didn’t have family to worry about coming out to (although that was a funny story in itself).

I was one of those equal rights for everyone types so I didn’t have an issue with homosexuality. It was almost as if I literally needed someone to come a long, take my hand, shake me and say “you like girls. You are gay” and I would be like “Oh”. That’s it. That’s all I needed. Honestly if someone had done that it would have made things easier. But of course that didn’t happen. So I got talking to D, and it wasn’t long before I became so totally, completely head over heels. Head over heels for this girl I’d met on the internet. Not exactly ideal but it was what it was. It was instant for me. This girl was charismatic, mysterious and she knew exactly who she was and what she wanted. She was a sweet talker and knew all the right things to say. It just felt right but so strange at the same time. After talking for a little while online, we decided to meet and it was game over from there.

I cannot describe the feeling I had when I was waiting outside the shop for her to arrive. I was at college, she was a couple of years older than me and we were meeting for the first time. I was petrified. I was actually going to meet the girl from that creepy but so very interesting website. I must have been crazy. What on earth was I going to say to her? Sure I could talk a good talk, had the flirting down to a tee by then but that was online.

There was a security, an anonymity that accompanied these online sites. Of course you added pictures of yourself (your most flattering ones of course) to your personal profile, but there was still something surreal about it. Something fantasy-like. But this was getting real so fast that part of me wanted to turn back and get the hell out of there. Nope. Too late. So when I saw her walking towards me, with her New Era cap and all blacked out, I think it was pretty safe to say my heart was in my throat and I felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

I could just say that it was perfect and everything was just right etc. But I won’t. It was pretty perfect for me but I felt as awkward as hell. I got past that though. We talked, we laughed, she held me. We kissed. That was it for me. She was it for me. That day, that girl, that kiss and that intimacy was what I had been craving. It felt right and she did for me something that I will forever be thankful for. I was a complete novice at this but at the same time it felt natural. She helped me accept realise what I was, who I was. I liked girls and it was pretty much as simple as that.

My whole world seemed to change after that day, I was a teenager so of course it sounds dramatic. But those few months meant everything to me at that time. I found myself and D helped me to do that. That sleazy site literally changed my life. Of course D and I didn’t last forever – a few months but not forever.

There’s an intensity that I soon learned accompanied lesbian relationships. Everything moves so fast. You’ve been seeing someone for all of 5 minutes and it feels like a lifetime, so when it ends it crushes you. When D and I ended I was heartbroken but I got over it – I guess if it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. But regardless, to this day (10 years later might I add) she is one of my closest, most cherished friends. I wouldn’t have it any other way. So what did she introduce me to? Where did I spend the next few years? Well that’s where finding myself became a whole lot more complicated. The scene. Two words. Pretty straight forward right? Wrong…

To be continued…

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