My life is a movie, it’s like “Trainspotting” to be exact. Not that I live in a crack den or anything but I might as well. I actually think it would be fun and I would make a hilarious addict, I was actually saying this to one of my ex friends last summer, yes I said ex friend…I will save that story for another blog post I guess.
I’m not single because nobody wants me (well word is I’m crazy but I have no explanation and I have no argument against that claim) I get offers I mean like I sort of get offers I’m not sure whether that includes me creeping into people’s DM’s or stalking hopefuls on Instagram hoping that they’ll follow me which happens probably zero to never but I get offers.
I am so fucking picky, I literally I have a list of the things I do and don’t want from a woman and boy them shits is long as fuck. The people around me say things like: “just give someone a chance, “your chest is too high, you could be passing up true love because you don’t like so many things”. These annoying people are in happy relationships with their perfect girlfriends. How rude. Anyway, why the hell should I compromise my list? I’m a queen and I know what I want.
So what is my list you ask? Oh you didn’t ask? Well guess what you lucky reader I’m going to tell you, just in case you’ve clicked on my Instagram decided that I’m sexy and you want to slide in my DM’s, not that anybody’s actually going to do that after this however I’m still hopeful.
I don’t like:
- Fake spirituality – oh my tits, the amount of women that approach me claiming to be a fellow spiritualist and then end up being an absolute asshole is ridiculous … just because you sit and talk about “da struggle” with your friends, doesn’t mean you’re deep or
- Cheesy dress sense – erm excuse me woman, baggy trousers, Adidas classics and purple polo shirt is so 2006, stop it
- Teeth – last week’s Sunday dinner should not be Netflix and chillin’ on your teeth also brush your tongue, you’re not a new born
- No I don’t want to call you daddy, that’s absolutely unacceptable and so fucking weird
- No job, ambition or real motivation – I mean yeah I get it, you’re starting your own business and stuff and you’re going through the struggle of course, yeah babe, I know. I like nice things and I’m not saying you should buy me stuff because, did I mention I’m an independent black woman. If you can’t even come to the fucking cinema with me and pay for a cinema ticket and you’re over 18 years of age, it’s never going to work. Before you annoying girls say “yeah but it’s not about money” oh so, you want to spend your up and coming summer, sitting in your room watching BBC One because your girlfriend can’t even do date night while she’s workin’ on her printed clothing line and stacking p’s ennit”? Yeah, didn’t think so.
- A scene rat – I mean yeah people know me on social media but I hardly ever go out. I cannot be with somebody who is in the gay rave every single weekend whining to the same dead playlist , drinking a one JD and coke in the corner and spudding every other masculine lesbian that walks in with a mean mug and a lick of the lips motion to the fresh meat. No. just never.
- Kindness – I’m a sucker for a kind single hot woman who will shower me with kindness because I’m a damsel in distress who needs saving
- Positivity – Okay so I can be an absolute drag sometimes , especially with my anxiety and spouts of uncontrollable depression so I need somebody who is positive and uplifting because two drags in a relationship is not fun, I’m the only drama queen around here woman, understand that.
- You better can COOK – I am a foodie and I love a woman who can throw it down in the kitchen , if you can season up two two chicken and boil two two white rice and cabbage babes mi love yuhhh
- Adventurous – I love an adventure , let’s go everywhere. I love a woman who has ambitions to travel and go on day trips
- Intelligence – I love a woman with depth, I’m most likely to fall in love with your mind rather than your face because well I want to make love to your soul not your face, I mean anything can happen you could end up in a car crash and your face could get disfigured, I’d still stay with you because I’ve fallen in love with your soul and mind, not your physical.
- Sex drive – if you can’t make love to me everywhere , everyday, any time. I’m not interested.
So yes, those are my likes and dislikes when it comes to a woman and I know this post is going to get so much criticism but I’m only saying what most single lesbians are thinking.
I’ve identified as a woman who only dates women for nearly five years now and although it has been an amazing journey of self-love, finding the clitoris, finding a shit load of vibrators, bullets and butt plugs, heartbreak and lesbian love triangles. There’s only really been one thing that I’ve always wanted, an amazing girlfriend. I’m old enough and woman enough to admit that I want a girlfriend. I want the cuddles, the kisses, the sharing of bank accounts, the cute pics, the date nights, the arguments, the make up sex, the pranks, the cute walks to the corner shop to get fags, apple cider and batteries for the vibrating nut buster 3000 strap-on and long hot lesbian sex. I want it and I want it now!
I couldn’t fucking care less about the whole “but you’re still young” shit. I’m tired of hearing that nonsense. I don’t want to be the black girl that’s in the gay rave every month hoping for some cheesy girl to ask for my number, only to jump in my Whatsapp to ask me what I’m doing today and then bounce because her ex has come back into her life miraculously pregnant and she’s decided to be her stud version of a baby father. I’ve been through that so many times in so many different ways.
After coming out of a turbulent relationship last year I feel as though my love life has completely dipped, partially because of fear. I am so scared to fall in love even though I want it, do you feel like that too? I’ll keep you guys updated on my love life and hilarious encounters I have in the world of lesbianism.
I hope you enjoyed this ridiculous post and remember not to take me too seriously, it’s banter…right?
Illustration by Zombielicious Illustration for A.Z MAG