Realising I Was Gay – Part Four

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

So we’ve established that one of things I hated most about the scene was that everyone knew your business. You didn’t have a private life anymore no matter how much you tried. Everyone knew who you were with, who you’d been with and most likely who you were trying to get with. There were a few people on scene you’d know to stay away from. But still I managed to get with someone pretty much everyone seemed to know.  It made my next few relationships difficult.

So my first relationship after D was probably the most toxic. Another online meet that unfortunately materialised into an actual thing. Being the person I was, I seemed to be OK with anyone showing me a bit of interest. That need to be wanted was rife. So this was it. No one really knew about D and I so this was my first public relationship with a girl. I’ll call her J. J seemed nice but I soon learned that the lesbian intensity thing was real. No matter what relationship you get in, you’re guaranteed it will be intense. Being so young and the sort of person that wore her heart on her sleeve, I gave my all. It wasn’t enough. I was picked up and dropped as soon as her ex showed an interest. My family hated this girl. She was controlling but for some reason this was the relationship I wanted so I should be lucky to have it right? Well when things went sour I remember getting some pretty nasty calls saying I was going to be “f*cked up” for whatever reason. That was nice. Luckily, I wasn’t the type to be scared easily so I took no notice.

Now what?! I was single again and that just wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be in a relationship. I couldn’t do this one night stand business. That wasn’t me. Couldn’t quite bring myself to it. It was ridiculous how quickly I finished a relationship and got into another. It was that intensity again. So it wasn’t long before I met B. B was probably one of the fonder exes I remember. She was hot, funny, “hard” but fragile at the same time. I was convinced I was in love. Again. B and I lasted probably around 7 months. Sounds like a short-time but in lesbian time it’s about 7 years. We had fun, my family loved her and she made me feel safe. She was loving, affectionate and just good to be around.

Until I got that lovely call from another person telling me B had been getting hot and bothered between the legs of some other girl. Ughh. After chucking a few cans of drink in her direction in the middle of the street we went home, and somehow I was convinced to forgive her. So that continued a few more months and then it came to an abrupt end. She needed a break. I didn’t do breaks (probably half my problem) so I ended it. That was it. I was single again. By this time I was out and proud, being known as that “mixed race lesbian chick with the big hair” at college was really quite comical. Out, proud and girlfriendless. I don’t know why being in a relationship was so important to me. So crucial. But it was and it was about a week before my interest turned to someone else. This was the relationship that really turned my life around. Let’s call this one X.

X was straight apparently. I met her at work and something drew me to her. She seemed mysterious, strong, it helped I found her pretty hot. I was intrigued and I found the chase a bit of a thrill. Apparently, “femmes” don’t usually do the chasing, but I turned that stereotype on its head and it wasn’t long before X and I were together. At the start it was fun, the honeymoon period lasted all of about a year and then we moved in together at about the two year mark (this is a LONG time for the stereotypical lesbian relationship who apparently move in together on the second date). It all went downhill from there. The spark just dissipated, romance was dead and I grew irritated and resentful when it felt like I was carrying her financially.

Then, surprise surprise, I caught her cheating. After nearly three years, she found it perfectly acceptable to have some sleezy relationship with a girl on the other side of London. It was quite irritating that she thought she could get away with it. Anyway, I was so hell-bent on keeping up appearances I told no one. I inverted and became totally depressed. I had put everything into this relationship and she just threw it away because she wasn’t getting what she wanted from the relationship. I wasn’t about to be humiliated by letting everyone know that I had been cheated on again so I tried to suck it up. The reality was that it was probably the worst thing I could do. I was resentful, hurt, broken and angry and was in no mind for forgiveness.

I tried to carry on and only ended up losing myself more by trying to get back at her. I did a stupid thing. I messed around with a so called friend just to see if I could do what X could. If I have one regret in life it was that. I lowered myself to a level I was convinced I couldn’t get to. Anyway I ended up telling X and all credit to her, she said she understood. So we went through the motions again until I just couldn’t anymore. It took nearly a year for me to realise that the day I found out about X’s infidelity, was the day I broke up with her emotionally. I was grieving the relationship long before I had the courage to end it. When I did, I found out just how sour break-ups can be. I realised that I didn’t need X in my life. I didn’t need someone else to prove my self-worth. All the years I spent so desperate to be in a relationship seemed wasteful. It was this relationship I believe I found out who I was. I was a different person at the end of it. I was stronger, more sure of myself and encased in a hard shell that no one really knew about. I’d been my most vulnerable during my teen years and it had created a harder exterior that was different to the one I was used to wearing.

One person was able to soften that. True to form, I entered into another relationship pretty much straight off the back of my last one. But this was different. I’d learned a lot about myself by now and I rekindled a friendship with someone I knew from the scene when I was 16. I’ll call her Z. Z and I, older than when we first met, clicked instantly. For the first time in what seemed like a lifetime, I felt I was on the same level with someone emotionally and intellectually. Our minds stimulated each other and there is nothing in the world more attractive to me than that. She was beautiful and it wasn’t long before our relationship went to the next level. Four years later and we are happily married and excited by our future together. Living life as an adult lesbian in London was the next challenge I had to face, but luckily for me I got to spend that with my best friend. There is an entirely different story to tell for that!

I guess this little insight to my life realising I was gay and entering into numerous different unhealthy relationships is just my experience of what it was like for me realising who I was. Everyone’s experience is different. Luckily, my family were accepting and my struggle was trying to fit into this category imposed on me as a young lesbian growing up in London. Coupled with my desperation to feel loved, I found myself in and out of relationships that quite frankly were not healthy. Having said this, I don’t regret a single one of them. I’m a true believer in thinking we all find ourselves where we need to be.

I am exactly where I need to be.

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