When No Isn’t Enough

Trigger warning – rape/abuse

We live in a society where women have become more sexuality liberated and empowered. We have a huge way to go but each day both on the internet and in real life I am seeing stories and witnessing women who completely exercise there right to be sexual beings. I’m also not saying that this is the only way to be a sexually liberated woman. I am not trying to pigeon whole women into one type of womanhood. As a sex positive feminist I believe that women have complete ownership of their sexuality. This means that I am 100% here for women who view sex as something that isn’t deep,I am here for women who don’t want to have sex outside of marriage. I am here for  women who will only have sex with people that they have a deep connection with and women who chose to abstain for any other reason under the sun.

Within different cultures and religions people have different attitudes towards sex and intimacy.  Sex can be a beautiful thing,a time of passion and raw emotions when you are completely naked and connected to another human being both spiritually and physically.I try my best to remain impartial and non judgmental about the varying attitudes that people have towards sex.

The reason for this blog post is to talk about consent. I recently saw a post on tumblr that addresses the attitudes we have towards sex. It breaks down how damaging it is that we refer to sex as consented and non consented. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NON CONSENTED SEX – THE WORD IS RAPE.

The analogy used was beautiful. When you talk about swimming you don’t say “breathing swimming” and “non breathing swimming.”  Its swimming and drowning. When you rape someone it is about way more then the immediate and the physical, all your power is taken away from you, you become completely helpless. Rape isn’t always how they portray it in the films, it isn’t always a big scary hooded man that corners you and holds you down.
Most cases of rape that are reported are by a friend or a sexual partner – that is something that makes me sick to my stomach.

The difficulty with convicting rape is the attitudes that people have towards rape culture if you didn’t fight or scream then people will try to tell you that it isn’t rape.

There is no right or wrong way to react to rape:
some people scream,
some people shout,
some people will fight .

Others remain silent,quiet, counting down the seconds until its over until they can claim back a small part of themselves and feel human again. Your body is the only thing that you own entirely in this world the one thing that nobody should be allowed to take away from you.

When your no isn’t enough it can send you into a downward spiral of feeling out of control. You can’t wash away a rapist, no matter how hard you scrub or how hot the water is there is a piece of you that has been stolen  and how people react to that feeling can vary heavily.

Rape is one of the hardest crimes to convict in the country. Recently there has been a hashtag on twitter no means no or Nein heißt Neinwhich is addressing the changes to rape laws in Germany. Up until 1996 it was legal for a husband to rape his wife because you belonged to your husband. Within many communities attitudes towards the police and the justice system in the country are very tense and warped. The police force by nature started out as slave patrol. A whole entire community that we are told is meant to protect us never had that at its root. How can i, knowing this information, knowing that rapists rarely get convicted tell any person of color to report a rape to the police? I have been told countless stories of women reporting rapes to the police and being interrogated about a) what they were wearing b) where they were or even c) how many sexual partners they’ve had.

This blog post isn’t a solution, there is no redemption or quick fix that I can think of because I am hurting. I am hurting because I would never want to bring children into a world where I couldn’t even tell them that they had ownership over there own body.

We need to revolutionize the way we think about sex, we need to stop policing women in how they dress or should act.

This blog post is me pleading with all of you, if you have been raped tell someone. Do not suffer alone there are millions of people in the world who feel just like you and a problem shared really is a problem halved.
This blog post is about starting a conversation and gathering together people who are fearless and unapologetic, who will stand up to rape culture and abuse.

So this is the beginning. I am tired of crying and feeling powerless, this isn’t about rapists, this is about making sure that peoples lives aren’t ruined and that we are having more educated conversations about abuse that aren’t triggering. We need to get in formation and allow survivors to feel safe to tell there stories. We all need to be allowed to hurt and also be healed.

This post was originally published here

For women NHS Choices – Help after rape and sexual assault


Rape Crisis  Helpline: 0808 802 9999 (12-2:30 and 7-9:30)


Victim Support Supportline: 0808 168 9111

Support for women

RASAC (Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre)

National Helpline: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30 & 7-9.30)


The Rape and Abuse Line (RAL)


Helpline: 0808 800 0123 answered by women

Women Against Rape


The Survivors Trust: thesurvivorstrust.org

National Domestic Violence Helpline (24hrs): 08457 023 047


The Rape and Abuse Line (RAL)

Helpline: 0808 800 0123 answered by women


MPower – Support for Male Survivors of Abuse

Helpline: 0808 808 4321


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